So I'm going to assume no one reads this anymore, which is why now I feel like posting here. I want it to be on a public forum for whatever reason and this is the least frequented/last likely to make a big fuss. But I want it out there anyway.
Why not write in a diary in private? I dunno. I feel this is more therapeutic I guess.
At any rate I want to cry. I want to feel sad. But lately everyone else is feeling sorry for themselves and I see me in them and I don't want to be that. I want, and can, be better than that. I want all of us sad people to get up and do something with our lives. Which is why I need to take initiative and do what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. If I want a good job, I have to pick up the pace and teach myself a thing or two about the business. I hate seeing evveryone sad. It just pisses me off. You are not the only one in your position. Get your head out of your ass and move on. Don't make the mistakes I already made that you witnessed.
Yeah, you're a dreamer. But where is that going to get you? Still living with your parents? I care about you but. . . It gets so so so hard at times like these when you won't look up. You claim to always see every angle but. . . It doesn't seem like that. I feel like I'm thinking that a lot lately. About myself too. I'm not clean. I'm guilty of it too. And I need to stop. I need to look around and reevaluate my decisions.
This is pointless, but I really wanted to write it out.
uhhh moved to tumblr. thought i'd share. if anyone still reads lj anymore. oops.
At least right now. I mean, I dunno, I'm not like super crying emotional and all that jazz. That's not exactly how I feel. But if something triggered me hard enough I probably could end up sobbing for hours. Ugh.
I hate some people and don't hate others. Like. . .If anything I pity that person more than hate them. I don't know what to do with myself. I really just need to go to sleep is all. But I can't stop thinking so it's hard. bah
this is what i feel like right now. i'm writing this blog instead of another blog that i have to do for school because i'm sick and my nose and head are clogged to hell and i can't really think coherently. i'm hoping this will help to get my juices flowing. let's hope yeah?
god i can't do blogs on the weekly. i suck at it. i'm a lurker by nature. that's what i dooooo. and it's not like i don't have information for this blog i'm supposed to do for school, it's just i don't know how to start it or what to say. failure? possibly. good lord.
also i had a really weird dream last night. apparently i was being an activist for lesbians and then my band director was supposed to be the evil principle or whatever to shut it down then weh ad this intense fight and then started making out? it was kinda hot but really awkward when i woke up. and then i was with a friend and started freaking out and ran away from them. apparently i was a preggers with his kid. but then they found me and i denied it and it had to be zach's kid. couldn't be the other guys.
i dunno man. apparently i think my band director is hot? it kinda freaked me out man.
moving sat. =\ bestie going through rough times. blah. it's late. i should sleep. i was going to write a more detailed and comprehensive entry. but this is the gist.
So. . . Lots of things have happened and not happened.
Right now I have a job. Sort of. It's for this place where I call people and go give demonstrations. It's nice, except for the calling part. I hate it. I can't do it. It's awful. I haven't even really made any money. June was crazy and I was all over the place. I felt like I was never really home, so that didn't help. Ugh. I feel somewhat like a failure because of it. I feel like I didn't try hard enough. But then again, I don't think it's the kind of job I want right now. I am a self-motivated person, but. . . Not for this. Does this make me a failure? I feel like it does sort of, but maybe that's just because I hate disappointing people who seem to have faith in me. Which is what makes this frustrating.
I wish getting a job wasn't so hard either. I turned in tons of applications a month ago. No calls. I know I should call them, but I hate that they don't take the time to just call and tell you 'no'. So tomorrow I think I'm going to go to the DQ and grab an application. It's the last kind of job I want but. . . I can't be picky anymore it seems.
Also my car is on the fritz. Worst time ever. Aaaand they've had it for over a week and they don't know what's wrong with it. *bashes head against wall* So yeah. . . It's great. I really hope it can be fixed. =[ I don't know if I can get a job on campus. I mean, I'll try. And I really need the money anyway. I feel terrible for living out of my mother's pocket and not paying for anything on my own. I feel so guilty. And I want to feel like a proper adult or something. I dunno.
I also feel like sometimes I don't have motivation, or only half-ass things even though I know I have the ut-most potential to do my very best I just. . . Don't. Like in school, I know I can do better. And I'm going to try and push myself this upcoming semester, I just need to break bad habits. I know what I need to do, it's the doing that's getting to me. I feel like a lazy slob who is terrible at life some times.
Bleh. I hate this cycle. Because then I'll actually do things and feel less bad. But. . .Until I have a job making a steady sort of income I'll still feel like a bum.
Anyway, that's mostly it. Oh, but at least I have Zach. Even though at times he acts like a girl and we have misunderstandings we always manage to work it out. And grow stronger I believe. I have this feeling about him that I just can't shake. That we'll have kids and grow old together. You know, sappy stuff. =p And I never get bored with him. I always always like being in his presence. It's amazing. <3